He says he is not an alcoholic

I am married to a man that works every day, but, every week, on either Friday or Saturday, he gets "smashed" on alcohol. He is then belligerent, condescending, puts me down, compares me to his former girlfriends, belittles me beyond what you could imagine! He has said the same exact things for the past four years, except the other weekend, he told me that I am not as pretty as I think I am. Always, the next day, he is sorry, and will change. Wow-I've heard that for years too.

He doesn't see that he has a problem or is causing any harm at all. All he wants to do is relax and "let his hair down." You can't take him in public after he's started drinking, because he's terrible! The places he wants to take me are to bars, or anywhere that alcohol is served-if alcohol isn't on the menu, we don't eat there. He refuses to get any type of help! I do not drink alcohol at all, and I feel that I am on an emotional roller-coaster - always wondering what the next weekend will bring. What advice can you give me?

REPLY

Your husband most definitely has a drinking problem and abuses alcohol, he is not, however, an alcoholic. He is what we call a binge drinker, that is when he goes out to drink he goes out to get drunk. It has become a habit for him and is obviously very important to him to get drunk and 'relax'. Yet there is a cost to his drinking and that is his relationship with you.

When drunk he emotionally and verbally abuses you and then apologizes the next day, only to go and do the exact same thing the next week. This is not healthy. have you told him (when he is sober) how you feel and how his behavior affects you? Have you set boundaries i.e. told him what you will and won't accept about his behavior? (An example of a boundary might be to refuse to go out with him if he drinks etc.)

It seems as if your husband's drinking sessions have become more important than your marriage at the moment. Maybe your husband hasn't realized this yet but maybe it is time that he found out...

All the best,

C.