My Life with Alcohol

by Cindy
(Cincinatti, OH)

Alcohol has been an evil presence in my life since I was born. Both my mom and dad were chronic drunks. My dad in a drunken state raped my mom after they had separated one of their many times and nine months later I was born.


My mom was a functioning drunk while dad was not. Dad was constantly out of work because of his drinking on the job. Mom had to work two jobs usually to barely support us. Any money dad got he bought booze with. We were always getting the water or gas shut off; Top Ramen was near staple in my diet. As I got older dad’s binge drinking got worse, he had to start collecting welfare because he became unemployable. He took his frustration out on the family.

Mom seeking comfort started an incestuous relationship with my older brother Peter. I didn’t really know what was going on at the time so ignored my brother going into my mom’s room and closing and locking the door. Dad was usually passed out in front of the TV. When I was twelve, Peter and mom decided to kill dad and collect his life insurance. Peter prompted a fight with my dad and hit him with a bat and claimed self defense. The police determined my dad was so drunk he couldn’t be able to stand up and both were charged with his murder.

I went to live with my Aunt Lynne and Uncle Chet; they were no better then parents. Both drank constantly and often would be too drunk to make dinner. Chet started coming into my room and molesting me; the first time when I was thirteen. This was followed by my cousin Gerald and even Aunt Lynne would come in with Chet sometimes. I was not only being raped, but I was being exploited in child pornography. Chet took pictures of me after Aunt Lynne gave me a dress to wear telling me how pretty I looked. I started drinking about this time because Chet and Lynne allowed me too since I was their “big girl”. I got so used to the sex that I sought it myself from them when they didn’t come to my room. I was seventeen when Chet suffered a fatal heart attack and Lynne kicked me out.

I was full fledged alcoholic at that point and did anything for booze including prostitution and pornography. I had two babies, both boys when I nineteen and twenty. I have no idea who the fathers are with either of them. I tried so hard to live a straight life, taking jobs at fast food restaurants or convenient stores. I was a high school drop out so finding a decent job was hard. Life was so tough though, the kids constantly needing something, diapers, clothes, shoes; booze helped me deal. We were living in section 8 housing and it was full of crack addicts, hookers, and gang bangers. Turning tricks was easy and quick money for booze and sometimes for the boys. After a five day binge however that kept the boys in their rooms and in filthy diapers, social services came in and took them away from me.

I was devastated, depressed, and suicidal. I decided to drink myself to death but failed at it twice. I was taken to the hospital the second time with alcohol poisoning, placed on a forty-eight hour hold and restrained. I was visited by my cousin Richard, Lynne and Chet’s oldest child and one of the few who did not ever have sex with me. He took me to an AA meeting he attends regularly. I didn’t know he was an alcoholic, he said he wasn’t but these meetings helped him not become one since his parents were. I listened to people pour their hearts out about the horrible things they did for booze or when drunk. I cried for days afterwards; my life was such a mess. I told Richard I wanted help. His wife Sheila is an ordained minister who had many resources and I got into detox and then rehab. Sheila and I prayed a lot together, helping me realize I am not a bad person.

I’m clean and sober three and half years now. I got my GED, attend college, I got my boys back, and a new family with Richard and Sheila and their two kids. I have a real job and a real boyfriend who wants to marry me. I pray for my boys everyday they don’t succumb to the ill effects of alcohol like their mom did. One day at a time that’s all I can do.

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