Clear, Sleepless, but Sober

by Jayne
(canada )

Don't let the title fool you, I just had a beer 5 hours ago. It was just the one, but last night, I got so drunk, my boyfriend told me I had completely ceased making coherent sentences. we had a laugh about it with our friends, but, truth be told, it terrified me.

i just lost a friend, and it threw things into sharp perspective. my health has been failing, my work has been suffering and I just quit my job because I was miserable at work.

Tonight I realized that I've been using grieving to justify my excessive drinking, but what I'm grieving isn't just this most recent loss. I'm grieving the loss of every person I've lost. and, I'm grieving every relationship I ended or lost because of my drinking.

After some researching (cursory at best), I discovered that the health problems I have been experiencing are directly related to my drinking. so after some realizations, epiphanies or just cold hard truths, I'm coming clean - I'm an alcoholic.

It started when I was a teenager and has continued to worsen and snowball to the point that as an editor I've forgotten how to spell the simplest of words and I can't concentrate.

My family is riddled with alcoholism, dysfunction, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. my personal history is littered with events so embarrassing, I drink to forget them all. There is a root to all this madness and sadness and while I'm pretty sure i know what it is, I need some professional help to really see it.

While i did think I was intelligent enough to conquer this on my own, for the first time in my life I'm asking for help.

I just told my boyfriend that I'm an alcoholic and he agrees. He's 100% supportive and has stayed at my side for almost two years despite my reckless behavior.

So, first thing after the holiday weekend is over (that'll be in one more day), I'm going to the centre for addiction and mental health and my plan is to learn, listen, talk and be heard.

I've been close to death too many times to count. now it's time to love life again and I plan on beating this monkey on my back.

Comments for Clear, Sleepless, but Sober

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Sep 16, 2015
I related 100#
by: Anonymous

I been struggling, for a while now and I starterd going to therapy. It helps bring out issues that keep you drinking. So don't give up, keep strong.

Feb 20, 2012
by: Just Because.

It sounds like you are beginning to develop some self awareness about your addiction. While I read through your story, I couldn't help but feel sympathy for your plight. Then suddenly a jolt of reality entered into the picture and many questions came into my mind. I will share some of those questions with you and hopefully they will help. How do you plan to pay for treatment? Most treatment centers cost a lot of money and the waiting list for free public treatment is very long. Most treatment centers will require that you are sober before you are interviewed. They don't just open the door and invite you to stay. You will be evaluated by a team of professionals and recovering addicts to determine how serious you are about your recovery. They will want to know if you are a good risk? The next thing I thought about was how you are going to meet your obligations in life while you are in treatment or recovery? Who will pay your bills, take care of your children, and meet your other obligations? There are more questions but these should be enough to get you started on dealing with the reality of your situation. Recovery is not easy and most addicts are in recovery for the remainder of their lives. I wish you well and hope you have the determination to stay sober. Your life is worth living.

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