Clear, Sleepless, but Sober

by Jayne
(canada )

Don’t let the title fool you, I just had a beer 5 hours ago. It was just the one, but last night, I got so drunk, my boyfriend told me I had completely ceased making coherent sentences. we had a laugh about it with our friends, but, truth be told, it terrified me.

i just lost a friend, and it threw things into sharp perspective. my health has been failing, my work has been suffering and I just quit my job because I was miserable at work.

Tonight I realized that I’ve been using grieving to justify my excessive drinking, but what I’m grieving isn’t just this most recent loss. I’m grieving the loss of every person I’ve lost. and, I’m grieving every relationship I ended or lost because of my drinking.

After some researching (cursory at best), I discovered that the health problems I have been experiencing are directly related to my drinking. so after some realizations, epiphanies or just cold hard truths, I’m coming clean – I’m an alcoholic.

It started when I was a teenager and has continued to worsen and snowball to the point that as an editor I’ve forgotten how to spell the simplest of words and I can’t concentrate.

My family is riddled with alcoholism, dysfunction, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. my personal history is littered with events so embarrassing, I drink to forget them all. There is a root to all this madness and sadness and while I’m pretty sure i know what it is, I need some professional help to really see it.

While i did think I was intelligent enough to conquer this on my own, for the first time in my life I’m asking for help.

I just told my boyfriend that I’m an alcoholic and he agrees. He’s 100% supportive and has stayed at my side for almost two years despite my reckless behavior.

So, first thing after the holiday weekend is over (that’ll be in one more day), I’m going to the centre for addiction and mental health and my plan is to learn, listen, talk and be heard.

I’ve been close to death too many times to count. now it’s time to love life again and I plan on beating this monkey on my back.

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