Drinking and Art

by Mark

Am I an alcoholic? I think I am. Eight beers or more and a half pint of vodka every night isn’t normal. Of course it’s not.

I don’t get hangovers, and if I get eight hours sleep my mind is pretty clear. I feel refreshed, in fact, like it didn’t even happen.

Before you ask black outs are nonexistent, and so are the regrets. My self-esteem borders on megalomania, and my drinking has never hurt anyone physically (save myself, of course).

I’ve done some research (some of it here) and I realize I’m first/second stage, oscillating between the two now and then. There are no longer any attempts to cut back because negative consequences are at this point negligible. Those times when the booze bites back can be shrugged off. I’ve become supremely adapted to the mind fog that passes as a hangover these days, and I’m so good at my job no one ever notices anyway…when I smell like alcohol they overlook it.

Alright, well…stop right there won’t you? You should, you know.

Did you expect excuses, reasons, self justification…

I suppose I could share those three, and at great length, yet it wouldn’t mean much despite the grim picture it would paint.

Even if I have some of the best reasons on the planet for being…well, this, I can see that the consensus in this place is that there’s never an excuse to destroy yourself.

Thing is…

I’m not abusive, I’m not aggressive, and I’m not mean no matter how much I drink. I stay the same, a quiet and lonely man who dabbles in writing and drawing now and then.

Peripheral visions of this alcoholic…no children, a couple of dogs. My mother isn’t on drugs but she’s mentally ill and I work really hard to support her. I’m thirty and I’ve set sail for brighter horizons and darker shores almost every night since I turned twenty one.

Never had a kiss, held a hand, she controls my e-mail, my bank account, she’s gotten me 10k in debt (some of it’s buying booze, in her defense) and when shit goes wrong she has soul curdling, screaming fits and I curl into a shivering ball and-

I think I’ve had too much to drink.

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