I have only myself to blame, I made my own life miserable

by Lois
(Vancouver, Wa. USA)

I rarely touched a drop of liquor my whole adult life. My story only points out to me that you can become an alcoholic at any age, and go down hill very,very quickly. The whole experience started when I was in my late 50's, I started taking shots w/my son-in-law (of all people) and graduated to drinking a 5th of hard liquor a day. This all occurred & lasted 1 and a half yrs. During that time, since I live alone, I drank 24-7. I did not realize how drunk I was most of the time, as I was alone. I staggered around the house flopping into walls,doors and took several really nasty falls into the bathtub, (still have the dent in my forehead from the last one) I think the scariest experience, ( and I didn't even have that much to drink that night) I was laying on my bed & got up to go to kitchen & noticed I was staggering more than usual. As I stepped into the kitchen I suddenly lost ALL use of bodily parts, muscles, legs, arms, all. I flopped on the floor & tried to get up, I was completely paralyzed, my whole body. It was like one of those dreams where you try to run, or move but your body can't move. It scared the hell out of me, and I kept trying to reach up to the countertop to pull myself up, but could not move. After about 6-7 minutes of this, I finally was able to pull myself up. I prayed that I could make it back to my bed, so I could die there. I passed out, and when I woke up in the a.m. I had a drink, I learned the only way I could get rid of the hangover was to have a drink. After my family turned their backs on me, My doctor (who had me on several different med's) refused to give me certain Rx's I was on. So, at that point I stopped drinking, on my own, cold turkey, and some pretty bad withdrawals. I had never read up on liquor, so knew very little about it. It's been 6-7 wks. now, & yes I have moments of wanting a drink. But what it did to my skin,hair, esophagus & stomach, I was spitting blood @ the end, & barfing & gagging all of the time I could've killed someone w/my car, been dead for days before someone found me, etc. I realized 2 things, I have an extremely addictive personality, and I was covering up suppressed anger & past unresolved issues. I have only resolved 1 other time in my life to stop something, this is the 2nd. I still wonder how I could've had such self loathing to treat my body like trash. I have a question if anyone out there reads this, do U know if the gigantic amount of hair that fell out grows back? It sounds vain & inconsequential, but it is a constant reminder of just one of the terrible things I put my poor body through. God bless all of you. I had a though, so I wrote it down & hung it on my desk; " Time is something (that) no one has plenty of."

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