My spouse is an Alcoholic. He never wants to talk about our issues, like when he gets drunk and bashes me with Nasty, Hurtful words to his brother and friends. He enjoys conversing with his work partner who is 24, my spouse is going on 44. If I do try and talk to him after he has had a few he gets violent and throws stuff across the room. I discovered he went on porn about three weeks ago. Afterwards he acted weird like mad, shutoff from me. He doesn’t know I know all this yet. His drinking is everyday and drinks and drives company and personal vehicles. It makes me furious. His personality changes when he can’t drink, he is converting his appearance back to when he was 20.
He never wants to do outings with me and our daughter, but will Jump to go with his brother whenever. I feel like I’ve gone or about to go crazy. I can’t take this one minute he loves me, yeah right ! Next day I’m a B____. I think he is bipolar too, or is this all the Alcohol? His mother is dying won’t make it probably another month.
I love my spouse or I did, but I’m ready to Divorce and go on. What is this going to do to him when I do? He needs Tough Love.
A desperate, confused wife
I can’t predict what effect a divorce will have on your spouse. This all depends on his feelings about you, the marriage, and himself. He may have a strong emotional reaction or he may be too disconnected to feel the effect.
It sounds like he has a lot of emotional issues that he needs to deal with. On top of those things, his mother is dying and you are considering divorce. This will surely put more stress on him and he will cope however he knows to cope. It seems his method of coping is alcohol and pornography. He will likely turn to those methods again until he gets help and learns new coping skills.
However, you cannot stay in an abusive marriage because his mother is dying. It sounds like he has little to no respect for you. If he is willing to get help for his drinking and you are both willing to do marriage counseling, there is a chance this relationship can heal and grow. Otherwise, things probably won’t improve.
You should tell him in a loving, supportive, non-accusing way about your feelings. Help him to see the impact he is having on you and your daughter. Don’t try this after he’s been drinking. Try to find a time when he is sober. If he is unwilling to hear, you will need to make some decisions about what is best for you and your daughter. It would also be wise for you to receive counseling and try to uncover why you’ve allowed yourself to be treated this way for this long.
Here are some helpful resources if your married to an alcoholic. Alanon may also be helpful for families of problem drinkers.
I am a Mental Health Counselor who is licensed in both New York (LMHC) and North Carolina (LCMHC). I have been working in the Mental Health field since 2015. I have worked in a residential setting, an outpatient program and an inpatient addictions program. I began working in Long Island, NY and then in Guelph, Ontario after moving to Canada. I have since settled in North Carolina. I have experience working with various stages of addiction, depression, anxiety, mood disorders, trauma, stages of life concerns and relationship concerns.
I tend to use a person-centered approach which simply means that I meet you where you are and work collaboratively to help you identify and work towards accomplishing goals. I will often pull from CBT when appropriate. I do encourage use of mindfulness and meditation and practice these skills in my own life. I believe in treating everyone with respect, sensitivity and compassion.
I recognize that reaching out for help is hard and commend you for taking the first step. We have professionals available who would be happy to help you move closer to reaching your goals related to your drinking concerns. You may reach these professionals by calling 877-322-2694.