It Hurts

by Anon

It hurts. I’m an alcoholic. My father was alcoholic and died from it at 56 and I stand here today knowing that and still drink. I’m 34 and “think” I have signs of decay, yet have gone back to the doctor after elevated liver enzyme results. I’m scared. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I help myself or for that matter want to? I am so weak. The alcohol has affected my job and now my personal life. My husband wants to send me to rehab but he drinks too but that doesn’t change that I hurt him too. Most days I go to work and hopefully avoid confrontation in hopes they won’t smell it on me (which they have and I still get second or third chances). I’m good at what I do. I hurt right now. It hurts that I might die of the same thing my dad did and I feel like shit that I may hurt others, particularly my mother, in a whole new level. I love her so much. She doesn’t deserve this but I can’t tell her. Alcoholism is a disease…I know that more than ever now and still can’t change. It makes me feel like a horrible person because I am. Every week I say it is my “detox” week. Hardly. I started drinking in the morning (granted, only on weekends a plus?). It hurts.

My drink of choice: Jameson

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