When we met he drank frequently. He soon stopped because I didn’t like it. For a few years things were great. He barely drank and when he did, it was just that…. drinking. A few years ago he started staying out after work. He’d come home really late and drunk. Then I’d start getting phone calls that he was passed out wasted and they needed him gone. So I’d pack the kids up and go pick him up. Soon, this became a habit. Over the past few years he has gotten extremely verbally abusive. There isn’t anything he hasn’t said to me. He even told my children about my past, which includes my own addiction problems. He has been carried home from the neighbors wasted, just to pee on my kitchen floor while blacked out….this in front of my children. 6 months ago I had a relapse and asked him for help. He was supportive and understanding. 4 days into my own recovery he came home from work wasted and told the kids once again about my drug use. My kids knew I was clean, and I didn’t lie to them about messing up, and both boys told him to leave. My older son and him got into a huge fight and I had to restrain my husband since he beligerantly stumbled toward my son and knocked the two of them down. Since….I have remained Clean. He and I talked and worked things out. Together, but together clean and sober. For 6 months I have dealt with him leaving for up to two weeks at a time, leaving for the weekend numerous times. Still drinking. Not as much, but the same things happen when he does. He is very mean and obnoxiously verbally abusive. I have told him too many times to count that him drinking is a deal breaker and to not move back home if he isn’t going to stay sober. He repeatedly blames me for his drinking. One night, he finally opened up to me. Real true honesty. About everything. Except his drinking problem. He doesn’t see it as a problem. He doesn’t think I should mention his drinking to him. He thinks he drinks bc he likes the taste of beer and whiskey. Who likes the taste of whiskey??? I’ve stayed bc I love him. I love the sober him. I have threatened divorce. He says to just file. It’s as if I don’t matter. When he isn’t drinking, I’m his queen. When he is drinking I’m a no good lazy bitch. So my question. Do I call it quits for good? Or do I stay and continue to try to get him to see his problem? Once I file divorce papers, there’s no going back. So a threat of losing his family isn’t going to work. Help!
I am a Mental Health Counselor who is licensed in both New York (LMHC) and North Carolina (LCMHC). I have been working in the Mental Health field since 2015. I have worked in a residential setting, an outpatient program and an inpatient addictions program. I began working in Long Island, NY and then in Guelph, Ontario after moving to Canada. I have since settled in North Carolina. I have experience working with various stages of addiction, depression, anxiety, mood disorders, trauma, stages of life concerns and relationship concerns.
I tend to use a person-centered approach which simply means that I meet you where you are and work collaboratively to help you identify and work towards accomplishing goals. I will often pull from CBT when appropriate. I do encourage use of mindfulness and meditation and practice these skills in my own life. I believe in treating everyone with respect, sensitivity and compassion.
I recognize that reaching out for help is hard and commend you for taking the first step. We have professionals available who would be happy to help you move closer to reaching your goals related to your drinking concerns. You may reach these professionals by calling 877-322-2694.
Mar 19, 2020
This is an upsetting, terrifying, and confusing situation to be placed in. You love your husband- when he’s sober. When he’s drinking, however, it’s an entirely different story. You feel disregarded. You are worried about the safety of your children. You feel attacked and blamed, and you’re the victim of severe emotional abuse.
Your husband has a severe drinking problem that he doesn’t seem willing to face or change. Nobody can answer if you should stay or leave. Instead, you should consider asking yourself this: What are you willing to accept if he’s not willing to change?
In other words, you’ve seen him stop drinking. You’ve seen him start again. You’ve seen the drinking continue to progress and evolve into its own monster. He may decide to stop again. He may not. At this time, it doesn’t appear he has the desire to stop. The threats of divorce or losing his family don’t faze him. Maybe you actually leaving will encourage him to change. Maybe it won’t. Do you want to depend on your emotional happiness and well-being on a promise he’s not willing to make? Do you want to continue feeling ignored and underappreciated?
Individual or group therapy may help you come to terms with your decision. You may need to evaluate the pros and cons with another person. But remember this: you deserve kindness. You deserve respect. And you deserve to feel like a queen at all times.