Love at First Sight

I spent over 5 years enamored with a guy named (****). He was so exciting for me. He was in a band, he was older, he was dangerous. Little did I know how dangerous he really would be.

In the beginning, it was so much fun. Partying, drugs, pinball, dancing, clubs, late night conversations on the balcony while he smoked his cigarette, mini golf, drinking… drinking.

Drinking eventually became the center of everything we’d do. It wouldn’t have been considered fun unless we were drinking. Drinking at the club, drinking at the park, drinking at home, drinking alone… Not wanting to go anywhere social because we wanted to stay home and drink.

It was the day before Thanksgiving when he got fired. I was hanging out with my friend I never got to see because she lived out of state. He called frantic, told me I needed to come home because he was so upset. I took the 2-hour drive home and arrived to my warzone of an apartment.

Holes. Holes in the walls, the entire bedroom door was destroyed. His hands were bloody. He picked up the foosball table over his head to throw against the wall where our pet bunny lived. It wasn’t until I sat on top of him and told him to calm down that he eventually calmed down. I thought if I was able to calm him down he must really love me.

He lost his job. He was fired. His boss told him he drinks too much. I thought that’s ridiculous. That can’t be true. He was out of work for months before he got another job and I was so excited! I had so much hope for our future. He had a great job where he proved himself and worked his way up from under the table car washer to front of the house manager of half of the luxury auto body shop.

When he started getting mad at me for not bringing a beer with me when I picked him up from work was when I started to notice something was wrong. When he started to get abusive I realized something had to change.
But it changed for the worst. His boss (a former alcoholic) noticed the signs. He told him to get help, and told him he would be there for him. But an alcoholic always denies needing help. He got offended, very offended, to the point that they got into a physical altercation one day and his job, the job he got rave Yelp reviews and customers requested him from, the most satisfying and rewarding job he’d ever had was terminated.

This sent him into a downward spiral. He got unemployment and he would stay home all day drinking from morning into night with the downstairs neighbor.

During this time there was so much drinking between the two of us because I loved him so much I thought if you can’t get him to stop you might as well join him. Police were called, multiple times to our pointless fights for getting too loud. It was the most humiliating and lowest points in my life.

He ended up losing multiple other jobs. Eventually, he ended up in the hospital very ill, he was there for a week because of his drinking. It was the scariest time in my entire 28 years of life at that point. The man I loved through thick and thin and planned to marry was in critical condition. I completely ignored the fact it was due to alcoholism because I was so scared for his life. You never want to see someone you think of as so strong in a hospital bed completely out of it. I spent every second I could outside of work by his side in the hospital. I would have a 9-hour shift at work with 4 hours of commute to and from San Francisco and drive straight to the hospital to be with him even though he couldn’t tell I was there. I exhausted myself to the point of requiring a visit to urgent care with a swollen shut throat.

He got out and convinced me he was turning over a new leaf after healing up. He wasn’t going to drink anymore. Then it turned into he was only going to drink beer, then he would buy vodka bottles and claim they were for me but he would drink them. It came back, but at least he had another good job again. I thought he will go to rehab when he’s ready.

Somehow he convinced me to quit my job eventually. “You work so hard. I finally have a good job, I want to take care of you. Quit your job in SF and find one closer to home. I’ll pay all the bills” I believed him, he has always said we share the same wallet. What’s mine was his, what’s his was mine. He always provided what he could.

The day before my last day at a job I loved he called me, hammered… just to talk. He got sent home from work for smelling like alcohol and decided to blow some money on a hotel and wanted me to leave work and come stay with him. It was that moment I realized this was it!
It was already too late, I had given my letter of resignation and the day of my going away party with my former coworkers. After telling me I look 400 pounds, he accused me of cheating on him. He texted me an unbelievable amount of times and ruined my last night with friends celebrating 5 years at a job I didn’t really want to leave. He was supposed to take care of me but was belligerent.

I told him we need time apart. He agreed. He agreed that I should buy him a bus ticket to stay with his mom and sort things out. He AGREED to this. But he had been drinking. When wasn’t he anymore?

It’s been over a year of being blamed for all of his hospital trips since he agreed to that bus ticket. It’s been over a year since he attempted suicide and sent a picture of his wrists sliced many times all the way up to the elbow and said it was all my fault. Its been over a year since he told my step kids, his daughters that “*** doesn’t see you anymore because she hates you.”

It’s been over a year and finally I’m ready to live MY life. For me! I’ve spent way too many years afraid to do anything for me because I’ve been told I can’t. When somebody tells you that you will fail over and over again and that you aren’t worthy of anything good it really takes a toll on your self-worth. It’s finally time for me to try something I’m afraid of and see if I won’t fail. I believe in myself now because I’m still here today.

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