Making my way through the crap!!!

by Jennifer
(Baltimore, MD)

I am a 37 yr old divorced mother of 2 wonderful girls. I guess things started when I was growing up. I was an overweight child so I always tried to please people say they would like me. When I was 13, I was sexually abused by my step-father. It only happened the one time, but it taught me that there was another for people, at least guys, to like me. I became permiscuous. That is how I made it through my teens. When I was 18 yrs old I finally found out I was actually adopted. Kind of really embarrassing when a large chunk of your family already knew. When I was 20 I entered into a 12 relationship/marriage and having a my 1st wonderful daughter. This relationship was anything but loving and healthy. It started out o.k., but then the abuse started. At first it was all verbal and emotional. Believe it or not that is actually worse than the physical. I will spare most of the details. As time went by it got to the point where we would do anything just to be able to stand to be around each. It started out with smoking pot. Then we starting shooting pool for a past time. That is when the drinking began. It ended up being 4 nights a week with alcohol and cocaine. The abuse only got worse. I mean the physical and the substance. We finally got divorced but that is when it seemed like I fell apart. I met an unbelievable guy, well re-met actually. We were having a very normal and loving relationship. Then (SURPRISE)I got pregnant. After the birth of my second wonderful daughter, I just went downhill. See my husband left me for next-door neighbor who I thought was my friend and I never dealt with those feelings. I never dealt with the feelings that I tried to get out numerous times but I never left because I was so scared that no one would want him. I had buried my feelings so deep that they just erupted one day. I ended going to a psychiatrist and a therapist and found out I am Bi-polar 1, have anxiety disorder with agoraphobia, adult ADHD and PTSD from the abusive marriage. I found out I had been self medicating with alcohol. Not just for the disorders but for all the things that happened in my life up to that point. The thing is there comes a time when you have to step-up, take the help and the do the work. The truth is, no one can help you but you. You just really have to want it.

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