by Big Baby
I love my husband very much. When he is not drinking you couldn’t be around a better person. He works, but before I met him he lost good jobs due to drinking. He goes to church with me occasionally. He goes to the altar and asks for prayer. He says he wants to quit drinking but he continues to drink.
A big problem is that certain things my husband drinks, like cheap liquor, makes him crazy and aggressive. He feels as though he is invincible. He then thinks I’m seeing someone else and starts making accusations; he wants to talk, and talk very loud, telling me “listen, listen.” Then he wants to pray and ask the Lord to help him to take the taste out his mouth. He always feels he is in the right, and comes up with things out of left field. Sometimes he wants to have sex but I have told him when he is drinking not to come near me. He constantly tries to initiate arguments. When I tell him to shut up, he says he feels I don’t want to listen to him and I’m always shutting him out. I respond by telling him I will talk to him when he is sober. He continues to aggravate me and say things until I lash back at him and start cussing at him, calling him names; then what makes me really angry is he starts mocking me in how I praise the Lord in church. He says, “How can you get up in church and clap your hands and praise the Lord, but then curse me out.” This is when I hit the roof and the argument really gets heated.
The last incident was he needed money to get back from job training. When he left that morning I told him to take my cell phone, and I sent him with my last 20.00 dollars. After he got home instead of being appreciative he told me a phone call came in. “Who was that your man calling for you?” This made me very angry, for he had my cell phone all day. How could he accuse me after what I just did for him? I also found out he was acting crazy because of course, he took $3.83 of the money to get alcohol. He then tries to justify after getting caught saying “I can’t get me one drink?” He states it’s ok because he’s home and not out there running around the street, and he’s being faithful.
He never accuses me when he is sober. I can’t see how someone constantly cries out to God to take the taste out their mouth and constantly says how alcohol has taken a lot from them and has caused them to miss out on a lot of opportunities; but the first chance he gets, he gets a drink.
Alcoholism is an addiction. His body and mind have become dependent on having the substance. In his heart, he may wish to stop drinking and recognize the trouble that it has caused, but this doesn’t mean that his addiction will magically go away. It is entirely possible, and often the case, that an alcoholic wants to quit and at the same time doesn’t want to quit because quitting is hard, very hard. It is important that you educate yourself and understand his addiction so that you can have appropriate boundaries, responses, and self-care.
All of the responses that you are getting from him (accusations of infidelity, mockery of your faith, and justifying his drinking because it’s done at home) are very common when dealing with an addict/alcoholic. The purpose is to defend the addiction and put the focus on you instead of him. He would rather focus on your supposed flaws than on his. He likely does not want his alcoholism to be the real problem because, then, he would have to address it and take a serious look at his own behavior, feelings, etc. That is a very hard thing for an alcoholic to do because the idea of living without alcohol feels overwhelming. I highly recommend that you seek counseling for yourself so that you can properly respond to him as well as take care of yourself. Keep in mind that you cannot make him stop drinking. That is a choice that he, and only he, can make.
I am a Mental Health Counselor who is licensed in both New York (LMHC) and North Carolina (LCMHC). I have been working in the Mental Health field since 2015. I have worked in a residential setting, an outpatient program and an inpatient addictions program. I began working in Long Island, NY and then in Guelph, Ontario after moving to Canada. I have since settled in North Carolina. I have experience working with various stages of addiction, depression, anxiety, mood disorders, trauma, stages of life concerns and relationship concerns.
I tend to use a person-centered approach which simply means that I meet you where you are and work collaboratively to help you identify and work towards accomplishing goals. I will often pull from CBT when appropriate. I do encourage use of mindfulness and meditation and practice these skills in my own life. I believe in treating everyone with respect, sensitivity and compassion.
I recognize that reaching out for help is hard and commend you for taking the first step. We have professionals available who would be happy to help you move closer to reaching your goals related to your drinking concerns. You may reach these professionals by calling 877-322-2694.