My Last Try At Sobriety

by Brenda

My name is Brenda, I’m 6 days sober today and I’ve recently turned 26 years old. I never thought I would be where I am today; translation I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been battling alcoholism for 10 years now. In the beginning I just always use to be the one that took it too far whenever I drank with friends. I didn’t know I had a problem then, I don’t even think I knew what alcoholism was.

As the years went by I got worse and worse. I lost friends and I got in trouble. That is now an obstacle in my life as in I can’t apply for certain jobs including my dream job. I think I’m too scared as of yet to fully query it. I keep having flashbacks of the last 10 years and majority if not all of it involve me being drunk; I’ve missed out on so many opportunities and have lost great friends along the way.

Right now I’m a glimpse of what I use to be, I’m not even sure if I can ever return to that place. I’m the talk of everything negative that comes out of anyone’s mouth who’s ever known me. I want to stop, God as my witness. I’ve painstakingly tried to stop but it never seems to last, I’m not even sure if my mind is correct anymore as some of the things I’ve done in drink are incredibly questionable. I’ve been given so many chances by friends, employers and family, but I seem to always fail them and myself. I’ve got so many regrets, I feel tremendous guilt and self pity that it breaks my heart and gives me huge anxiety.

I don’t seem to enjoy life or see the world how others see it, I find life miserable and depressing; and the few times that I’m happy the unhappiness seems to creep in and has greater control. I think I drink to escape. I don’t know when I started feeling the need to escape; because growing up I was happy. I had so many dreams and things I wanted to do, now I feel trapped in a very sad, gloomy and lonely place.

Life is passing me by and I’m so so afraid that I might not be able to beat my alcoholism. My emotional state of mind is an absolute wreck, I don’t know how to deal with my emotions or have any self control or discipline. I dream of just escaping, going some place where my head doesn’t exist; I’m here but I’m not present.

Every year its the same old story with more and more of me dissolving. Sometimes I feel like something has got a hold of me, something really bad and when I get the urge to drink, its feeding whatever this thing is, because I become a completely different person physically, emotionally and mentally; not a trace of me without drink is visible. Many who know me have said you’re eyes just look so intense, its almost malevolent. I’ve tried going to church, I listen to tons upon tons of sermons, I have plenty of religious reads. It works for sometime but then the urge to drink is like the force we use on our legs to walk. I just wish I could get some kind of help from above as no human can help at this stage, I’ve been to AA and all other services available for alcoholics and I’ve failed each one. I’m incredibly scared as I attempt my sobriety journey for the last time. Going to put it all in the hands of GOD!

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