My Last Try At Sobriety

by Brenda

My name is Brenda, I'm 6 days sober today and I've recently turned 26 years old. I never thought I would be where I am today; translation I'm an alcoholic. I've been battling alcoholism for 10 years now. In the beginning I just always use to be the one that took it too far whenever I drank with friends. I didn't know I had a problem then, I don't even think I knew what alcoholism was.

As the years went by I got worse and worse. I lost friends and I got in trouble. That is now an obstacle in my life as in I can't apply for certain jobs including my dream job. I think I'm too scared as of yet to fully query it. I keep having flashbacks of the last 10 years and majority if not all of it involve me being drunk; I've missed out on so many opportunities and have lost great friends along the way.

Right now I'm a glimpse of what I use to be, I'm not even sure if I can ever return to that place. I'm the talk of everything negative that comes out of anyone's mouth who's ever known me. I want to stop, God as my witness. I've painstakingly tried to stop but it never seems to last, I'm not even sure if my mind is correct anymore as some of the things I've done in drink are incredibly questionable. I've been given so many chances by friends, employers and family, but I seem to always fail them and myself. I've got so many regrets, I feel tremendous guilt and self pity that it breaks my heart and gives me huge anxiety.

I don't seem to enjoy life or see the world how others see it, I find life miserable and depressing; and the few times that I'm happy the unhappiness seems to creep in and has greater control. I think I drink to escape. I don't know when I started feeling the need to escape; because growing up I was happy. I had so many dreams and things I wanted to do, now I feel trapped in a very sad, gloomy and lonely place.

Life is passing me by and I'm so so afraid that I might not be able to beat my alcoholism. My emotional state of mind is an absolute wreck, I don't know how to deal with my emotions or have any self control or discipline. I dream of just escaping, going some place where my head doesn't exist; I'm here but I'm not present.

Every year its the same old story with more and more of me dissolving. Sometimes I feel like something has got a hold of me, something really bad and when I get the urge to drink, its feeding whatever this thing is, because I become a completely different person physically, emotionally and mentally; not a trace of me without drink is visible. Many who know me have said you're eyes just look so intense, its almost malevolent. I've tried going to church, I listen to tons upon tons of sermons, I have plenty of religious reads. It works for sometime but then the urge to drink is like the force we use on our legs to walk. I just wish I could get some kind of help from above as no human can help at this stage, I've been to AA and all other services available for alcoholics and I've failed each one. I'm incredibly scared as I attempt my sobriety journey for the last time. Going to put it all in the hands of GOD!

Comments for My Last Try At Sobriety

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Apr 18, 2017
Could Depression Be The Cause?
by: Anonymous

Your comments touched my heart greatly as I could feel your suffering. My first thought is that you might be suffering from depression and you are self-medicating with alcohol. Have you seen a physician and discussed your feelings? Sometimes an anti-depressant can be prescribed to help you deal with your moods. I have a daughter who has depression and is also an alcoholic -- currently going through her 3rd rehab stint. She is now on 2 different anti-depressants which are helping to stabilize her moods. Often alcoholism is not the only problem one is dealing with.

Jan 15, 2017
Happiness is around the corner
by: Anonymous

I understand how you feel. Please don't feel alone! I completed treatment for the fourth time since I was 20 and am now 55. This time I committed to two full months in recovery and also found one that was very clinically centered. Although I was court ordered due to 2 DUI's in a year, I would have stayed anyhow because of the quality. It was a house with 6-14 people at a time. We did go to AA and Alanon meetings as it was based on the steps and traditions, however, I had private counseling, psychiatric for dual addiction and they had neurosurgeons, internists and psychiatrists come in and explain to us what was going on and what causes addiction. It's important to find a good rehab and in the meantime reach out to AA. You will make new friends that care. If you go to a meeting and don't like it try another one. Just keep going until you find one you are comfortable with.

This is also a time for you to be selfish. I know that's what I thought I was doing when I was drinking but now it's different. You need to be selfish in taking care of yourself. I am married, to an alcoholic in denial, and set boundaries. I had suffered years of physical and mental abuse. The mental continues but I simply turn, walk away and journal, read recovery books or find something to do that I enjoy even if it is just laying down and relaxing/meditating give yourself the words of encouragement you deserve. Not every day is easy, but if/when you get a craving you simply give it 20 mins. You'll find it eases. I tried cutting back and failed miserably. It is easy to keep drinking once you start, we are very good at making excuses for ourselves. One trick is called play the tape all the way thru. In other words when you feel the urge sit down and think thru or write down all the negative experiences that drinking has caused you. The worst things you've done. Lovingly remind yourself that this is not a place you want to go again. If you can't afford rehab there are many in and outpatient resources that are free. Just don't give up on yourself. Set goals. Now is not the best time to start a new career as stress and anxiety tend to lead us to drink. Take it slow and most importantly, remember that you have a disease. This is not an excuse but a reason. I wish you all the best.

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Born Defective

by Steve D.
(Sun Valley, Arizona)

Sometimes I wonder if I was born defective or I turned out this way because of my environment. Either way I know I have no one to blame except myself.

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