How can a person who is drinking 24/7 say to a sweet and helpful dating partner that she “has no common sense” and ask “what the f*** is wrong with you” when I am driving him to and from a restaurant because I don’t drink. It had got to be that whatever I said and did I was pounced on. I am educated, pretty, energetic and loved by his friends – he is 68 and will sit and watch westerns and drink at any hour. I am mystified – he had a good job with a utility company for over 35 years, but now he will go up to 3 days and not shower. I take 2 showers a day and am particular about how I dress.
We have been apart for over 2 weeks – he called on Sunday and talked for over an hour – I just let him rant – he said I am paranoid (because I ask him if there is someone else at times) and he has been with an ex twice – that I am insecure (he cancels weekend plans after 5:30 p.m., on a Friday. He has a house in PA and MD. I am not allowed to come to his house in PA because it needs repairing!!!
I don’t know how and what to ask for help in a counseling session (I have been once). She looked at me and said I am very pretty and that dealing with an alcoholic was impossible. People think I have it all and don’t have problems – this is insurmountable right now.
Thank you so much for your advice.
I get lots of questions like this and my answer is always the same (and mirrors that given to you by the counselor you visited)- your former partner is addicted to alcohol and therefore he will always put his need for alcohol above you. Whatever you say or attempt to do about his drinking will make no difference unless he himself wants to change himself.
Try not to take anything he says to heart as it is invariably untrue and merely a product of his unhappiness. Although it may seem hard now it is essential you try and make a life for yourself and distance yourself from your ex-partner. If he wants you to help him with quitting drinking then by all means help but don’t nag him as this will be counter-productive. You are only responsible for yourself not others.
All the best, Charles.
I am a Mental Health Counselor who is licensed in both New York (LMHC) and North Carolina (LCMHC). I have been working in the Mental Health field since 2015. I have worked in a residential setting, an outpatient program and an inpatient addictions program. I began working in Long Island, NY and then in Guelph, Ontario after moving to Canada. I have since settled in North Carolina. I have experience working with various stages of addiction, depression, anxiety, mood disorders, trauma, stages of life concerns and relationship concerns.
I tend to use a person-centered approach which simply means that I meet you where you are and work collaboratively to help you identify and work towards accomplishing goals. I will often pull from CBT when appropriate. I do encourage use of mindfulness and meditation and practice these skills in my own life. I believe in treating everyone with respect, sensitivity and compassion.
I recognize that reaching out for help is hard and commend you for taking the first step. We have professionals available who would be happy to help you move closer to reaching your goals related to your drinking concerns. You may reach these professionals by calling 877-322-2694.
Aug 12, 2011
Thank you, Charles, very much for answering my question. This individual will never stop drinking – he mentioned a while back that he would die if he tried to stop. I don’t know if that is true.
I will read all the information on your site and the testimonials of others to become educated and make strides to get back my cheerful and loving self. My town is unbelievably loving so there is great support here even though they don’t know what is going on!
Thank you again.