Wasted Life as an Alcoholic
I've been an alcoholic my whole life. 40+ years of my 52 years of life have been wasted by me and my disease. I basically have 2 lives; my life before my son and my life after my son. Keep in mind, I am a “functioning” alcoholic. That means that I haven’t lost many jobs, haven’t killed anyone with my car (yet), yet….yet…yet. It is only a simple matter of time.
During my first life, I could write a few books on the outrageous, insane behaviors and addictions that I’ve lived through. It is completely and utterly unbelievable that I am not dead. When I was finally at the lowest point I have ever been thus far (but I honestly don't think it was my bottom), I went to detox and then to a long-term rehab (6-months). This of course after at least 5-6 rehabs, both inpatient and outpatient.
Wouldn't you know it, I got involved with a man and got pregnant. Let's call him L., Of course, we were kicked out and in my usual fashion, I allowed him to make me believe that he would take care of me and our baby. So we moved back to his hometown. My family had no idea where I was or aware of the situation.
When we moved, I was about 2 months pregnant. Because he was a long-time, chronically relapsing heroin addict, his mother didn't trust either of us and made me prove that I was pregnant. She was difficult, but generous, with both of us. She did help us a lot and looking back, it seems so unreal. She helped us get a small place above a flower shop, got me a job at the daycare she worked at and tried to help us settle down. We both got jobs and tried to make a home.
Not more than 2 months later, L relapsed. He came back to our tiny apartment and stole every single that I had in the world--including new baby clothes and toys, any and all money, jewelry, TV -- EVERYTHING. The entire enchilada! I was probably 4 months pregnant at the time.
To make a long story short, my incredible, amazing, love-of-my-life son came a month and a half early. (I think he wanted to take care of me ASAP!) He was 4.7 lbs and needed to stay in the hospital for over a month in the NICU. There are no words to describe how scared, worried, neurotic and heartsick I was worrying that he would be ok. I went back and forth to the hospital every day. They would not even let me stay to sleep with him.
I actually stayed sober for months, with the occasional drug binge, but no drinking. I’d moved in with mom.
I lasted about 2 years before I started the cycle all over. Again, because I am a “working alcoholic” I am able to keep working with insane hangovers and my mind so foggy I couldn’t function correctly, but hid my drinking very well.
For these 12 years, I have been in and out of relapses and in and out of AA. I have no idea why I can’t seem to get it. I use the excuse that I am “institutionally incapable” of getting sober. My therapist (the first one that I haven’t lied to about my alcoholism) recently threatened to take my son away if I didn’t stop.
No more. I am back at meetings and have 3 days clean. I had 10 days but wasn’t solid enough to stop myself from going to the package store one night.
I start over.
Today, I am humble. Today is the only day I have to think about. Right now is the only second I have to think about. If I don’t pick up that first drink, I’ll make it through this minute. If I keep thinking of only this minute, I have a chance of finally showing my son the real me and show him how special he is. One day, one second at a time.
I ask my higher power, and my 2 guardian angels, to help give me strength, hope, and determination. At the moment, I’m shaky on all 3 of those things.
I pray for all of us to embrace AA and all it teaches us and stands for. It is the only hope I have, but I want it this time! It's about me for right now. I hope someday I can help someone else!